Help Your Child Build Lasting Friendships: Tips for Kids Who Struggle with Social Anxiety
-"You can’t change what’s going on around you until you start changing what’s going on within you." – Zig Ziglar
You may hear often, "COVID and the lockdowns really did a number on my kid's social skills." I would agree that during the time of lockdown, everything I was spending years lecturing about—the harms of social media, being on technology for too long, and how it impacts socialization and self-esteem—suddenly became the prescription for all of us. With orders like, "Don't leave your homes, find ways to entertain yourself," many of us (young and old) reverted to our phones, TVs, and game consoles.
However, having worked with kids and young adults for over 20 years (and for some of that time being a kid and young adult myself), I will tell you that COVID may have been an accelerant to the issues we are facing now, but it was not the only reason social anxiety and a lack of connections have become such central issues in today’s society. Factors such as increased sedentary behavior, constant screen time, decreased trust from parents in letting their kids navigate their communities independently, parents clearing obstacles for their children, and forced playdates have all been snowflakes that accumulated into an avalanche.
With some of the clients I work with, our main focus is just helping them be social and make friends. Sounds simple, right?!? Well, if it were, I wouldn’t be doing so well in business. Although the steps you take to get there may be straightforward, for many with increased social anxiety, taking the steps to be vulnerable and make connections leaves them almost paralyzed. The image that many clients have in their heads of who they "have to be" or what they should "look like" or "do" is common. Developmentally, adolescents and teens work through these ages figuring out, "Who am I? Who will accept me?" This can only heighten feelings of anxiety, especially when images on TikTok and Instagram show some people living their best lives, with tons of friends, likes, followers, etc. The sad reality is, it’s hard not to remember that most of that is an illusion. When you interview those with thousands of followers and videos of them being active, you will also often hear those same people tell you they feel alone and have no "real" friends.
It’s funny, I have a group of "my boys" who have remained tight since middle school (some of them have known each other longer, but I only moved to Long Island at 10 years old). We tend to do two trips a year together, Friendsgiving dinners, New Year’s celebrations, and frequent get-togethers. We often laugh about the fact that the outside world might never know how close we are because we rarely post pictures of ourselves together or even comment on each other's social media pages (although friends who are reading, it would help your boy if you did this on the business page!). I bring this up because, if you were an outsider checking my IG or Facebook, you might think I didn’t have many connections. What I’ve found—though this is pure speculation—is that people who are living their best lives, filled with connections, spend way less time posting the proof on platforms because they are busy being mindful of the time with friends.
Either way, this blog post is to help you understand what you or your kid can do to help improve their ability to make lasting connections. Social connection is considered the #1 determinant in leading a long, healthy life, so let’s get you there. Remember, DO NOT LOSE HOPE! You are seriously not alone. So many people of all ages complain to me about how they do not have solid social connections. I have been incredibly blessed to have an abundance of connections, which came from a lot of work and from using these day-to-day strategies that I use or have used in the past.
Tips for Kids Who Struggle with Social Anxiety
1. Start Small with Conversations
Ease into it: If talking to new people feels intimidating, encourage your child to start small by saying hello to classmates, neighbors, or even a friendly face at the park. This advice has been especially helpful for my college freshman's! Sometimes the first step is just getting comfortable with being seen. In return, being a friendly face to others make them more comfortable with approaching you.
Ask simple questions: Questions like "What's your favorite game?" or "Did you watch any fun shows this weekend?" can open the door to conversations without feeling too risky.
2. Find Shared Interests
Build confidence through common ground: Encourage your child to join groups or classes that match their interests, like sports teams, art clubs, or science camps. Shared activities make conversation easier and help kids bond naturally.
Look for clues: If another child is wearing a shirt with a favorite character or is playing a familiar game, suggest using that as a conversation starter! Advice I often give my college clients is, keep yourself around the crowd of people who do things you like or present like people you want to surround yourself with.
3. Practice Social Skills at Home
Role-play conversations: Try role-playing to practice greetings, introducing themselves, or making eye contact. This can help reduce anxiety by giving kids a safe space to learn social skills. Also, what may be more important, is practicing the exit strategy when anxiety or nerves begin to build or if the conversation does not go in the direction you want it to.
Celebrate small successes: Always! Always! Always! This is life advice for any situation but especially when it comes to tackling social anxiety. Praise each time they try a new social skill, like saying hi or sharing a toy. Small wins build confidence!
4. Focus on Kindness and Empathy
Teach caring gestures: Encourage small acts of kindness like sharing a snack or offering to help a classmate. Simple gestures go a long way in making friends.
Use active listening: Remind your child to listen to others and show interest in their stories or feelings, as empathy is key in building trust and friendship. I am surprised at times with the amount of connections I have, because I can be an excessive talker. I have learned that if I see someone just nodding or looking like they want to say something, I need to wrap up what I am saying, shut up and listen to them!
5. Manage the Inner Critic
Challenge negative thoughts: Social anxiety often comes with self-doubt. Help your child question thoughts like "They won’t like me" or "I'll say something silly." I often like to teach my clients what I like to call, "The double what if". If you think, "what if this person thinks I am weird", you may follow it up with, "..but what if they like weirdo's"?
Practice positive affirmations: Phrases like "I am kind" or "I am a good friend" can help boost confidence and encourage a positive mindset toward friendships. In the beginning, it does not matter if they believe what they are saying, what is important it that they get use to hearing it.
6. Take It Slow and Set Realistic Goals
One step at a time: Suggest simple goals, like saying hello to one new person each week. Meeting small, achievable goals helps your child gain confidence gradually.
Celebrate the effort, not just the result: Whether or not the interaction goes perfectly, it’s essential to celebrate the courage it took to try.
7. Seek Help from a Life Coach or Therapist
Professional guidance: If social anxiety makes it tough for your child to connect, working with a life coach or therapist can be transformative. Experts offer guidance and tools tailored to each child’s comfort level. Parent's should also keep in mind, as your kid starts to navigate the teenage early 20 years, it becomes more difficult for them to accept suggestions and feedback from their parents. This is why it is so crucial to have an adult you can work with, to help share your messages to your child. They will be more open to hearing it from someone who isn't a parent (don't blame me, that's just how us humans develop).
Join social skills groups: Many coaches offer group settings where kids can practice skills in a safe, structured environment, which is a great way to ease into friendships. I offer a social-fitness group for this very reason. I like having my clients figuratively kill two birds with one stone. Getting them moving, fit, and having fun helps to build connection when sharing the experience with peers. It also allows kids to spend time with others, without the pressure of always having to worry about what to talk about. As many of us with close or best friends, one way we know we have reached that level is when we can just enjoy each others company without having to worry about talking too much...
The more and more I hear from kids and adults alike about their difficulties with connection and maintaining friendships, the more grateful I am for the ones that I have. A large push to starting Special Connects LLC came from my personal success in life, as it relates to making and keeping friends. I am more than happy to share with anyone who needs the help, the ways and strategies I have used to have such a robust social life. Sharing the knowledge is easy, practicing the steps can prove otherwise. Friendship can be a roller coaster. Knowing how to navigate them is crucial in keeping long lasting connections.
Building friendships with social anxiety isn’t easy, but with support, practice, and encouragement, your child (or you!) can learn how to connect with others and form lasting bonds. Each step, no matter how small, helps them grow and develop the skills needed to enjoy and nurture friendships. Remember, the goal is progress, not perfection! With time and patience, your child can find friends who appreciate them just as they are.
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