3 Key Takeaways on Being and Only Child After Losing a Sibling and How This Insight Can Help Parents and Only Children
I have had an interesting life. I would imagine you the reader could say the same. One of the most unexpected circumstance of my interesting life has been becoming an only child. As the oldest, I had a buffer period of being the only child, so being an only child was not novel to me. However, having a sibling for 15 years and then having that privilege taken from me, well... it is safe to say it completely changed my life.
When navigating the grief around losing someone so close to me, it comes with its trials and tribulations. What it has also brought me, is a ton of perspective. It has uniquely positioned me to be someone who can comment on what it is like to experience both realms of life and how that impacts me to this day. As I started Special Connects LLC, I have always known I wanted to make people's lives better. I always wanted to be seen as a person who shows kindness, understanding and is a comfort to be around. Training diligently for years to become an occupational therapist, maintaining the continuing education and having worked in the amount of settings and arena's one could in my profession could, it had especially driven me to share my services with the community, because I see just how incredibly important connection and parent/child dynamics impact our lives, especially our health.
The trend I have been experiencing in my personal work has come from parents connecting to me about social connection and self regulation worries' for their only child. As a humble flex, I have literally helped thousands and each one I have impacted in some way, I always have this strong feeling they are brought to me for a reason. Recently, I recognize how finally having the nerve to go out on my own and promote myself as "your professional older brother" has been naturally getting me connected to clients who actually could use an older brother. Honestly, it really fills my heart and fills a space inside me that longs for the chance to have that role again, although naturally, it will not ever happen for me again. I really develop deep connections with my clients because I know how important the role is in someone's life.
What I also find to be powerful for my clients, is being able to not just sympathize, but empathize with these clients. Matched with my years of education and experience, it adds depth to what I offer. Still, what I think is more important to express for this blog is the idea that there are things to consider if you are, or the parent of, an only child and the special pros and cons that come with it. I want to take a chance to explore some of those concepts and to help parents understand, or gain perspective about their only child. As with anything in life, there is a mix of pros and cons.
Top Take Aways from Re-Entering Only Child Mode
The Joys and Pains of Being Center Stage
It is undeniable that when you are an only child, whatever attention your parent(s) or guardians are willing to give you, it will go solely to you. This was something incredibly difficult for my parents and I to adjust to after my sister's passing. When you have a sibling(s), it is just impossible for a parent to provide 100% attention to both. As much as parents would like to say they could or do, realistically speaking, it just is impossible. However, what is interesting about this is that once their is more than one child in the mix, the parenting style changes. It is not uncommon to hear how in a family of siblings, the oldest tends to have had it the hardest in terms of supervision, discipline, etc. This can be attributed to the idea that first time parents are learning the ropes. The fears, mixed with the ton of advice they get from everyone, influences how you approach your parenting at first. When it comes time to the second child, parents are seasoned and tend to loosen up in many ways. (Imagine how my grandparents were after they had their 14th child!).
Once a sibling is in the mix, attention and time gets diverted. As an only child, there is no competition for attention. In some ways, this is certainly a benefit to the only child, because they have a better chance of getting their needs met on demand. However, as I had found out the hard way, it also sucks to sometimes always have all the attention on you! My sister and I were both active kids. On top of my parents working full-time jobs, in my teens and early 20's, I had more of a break from my parents watchful eye, because my sister's life was a healthy distraction for them. I was able to share blame with someone when the house was a mess and we didn't clean up. I was able to complain to someone about how I felt my parents were acting, because there was a witness to it and someone who experienced it themselves. In the same breath, they also could tell me when I was in the wrong when I thought maybe my parents were, in the last mentioned situation. I had someone to be bored with. I had someone to help take on responsibilities. When you are an only child, you do not have those options
Parenting Tip: There is not many ways to get around this, but there are ways you can minimize the feelings of being so focused on. Pursue Hobbies Together: Engage in an activity that you’re passionate about or curious about learning as a family. This allows the spotlight to shine on the shared experience rather than solely on the child.
Example: Take a cooking or art class together, where you both try something new and learn from each other.
Only Child Responsibilities
Now, this is just my perspective, so take it with a grain of salt. Considering I am in the unique position of having dipped my toes in both worlds, this may be more prominent in my life because of that. However, I feel like as an only child, I had developed an overly aggressive mentality of having to not only fulfill all my parents dreams they had around me, but also in having to be everything for my parents. For instance, I am an independent type. As much as I love social connection, romantic and other emotional relationships, it also comes with my strong need for autonomy. As a result of this, it has not lead me to jumping into marriage or having children yet. Even though that is an entire conversation for another time (and maybe a couch and therapist), I bring it up because I know when my sister passed- I felt so (self) pressured to want to have kids and a family because the responsibility of making my parents become grandparents, falls squarely on me. When mom or dad is upset or needs help, I feel strongly that I must be there or offer everything I can to make it right. When my sister passed away, I was 21 years old and I had dreams of studying abroad and travelling the world. I had the dream of living the San Diego life for a couple years while figuring out who I wanted to be. When my sister passed, the thought of being even 5 miles away from my parents was daunting. I felt I had to stay close to them because how would they deal with me not being close enough to see? Again, a decision my parents never asked me to make, but one I felt an incredibly strong sense of responsibility to carry out.
When I had my sister, the responsibility of dealing with family, parents aspirations, etc. was shared. If my sister were still around, maybe she would have felt differently than me and would have had kids and made my parents, grandparents. Despite knowing it is something my parents would love, and the fact that they would literally be the best grandparents, I have had years of struggle wrestling with this responsibility I put on my own shoulders, as well as how it had complicated romantic situations on top of really figuring out what I want for my own life. Maybe with my sister around for those years, I would not have had to deal with that pressure that rerouted me from what I really wanted out of life. If she was around, maybe I would have lived in San Diego for a year and not felt so bad because my sister was back home.
If you have an only child, keep in mind that they may be increasingly sensitive to you. Though that may not sound like such a bad thing, it comes with the risk of that child having increased anxiety or emotional codependence, where your mood, attitude, expressed feelings more readily become theirs. If your kid feels you are lonely or upset, they may spend extra time trying to be around you at the expense of connecting with their peers.
Parent Tip: Encourage your only child to participate in shared responsibilities, like household chores or team activities, to foster a sense of collaboration and connection. This helps them understand that they’re not solely responsible for outcomes and teaches the value of teamwork.
Practical Applications:
Household Chores: Assign tasks that require collaboration, such as setting the table together or planning and preparing a family meal. This not only lightens the load but also strengthens your bond and emphasizes mutual effort.
Example: "You can wash the veggies while I boil the pasta—teamwork makes dinner happen faster!"
Group Activities: Involve your child in sports teams, group projects, or family gardening where everyone contributes to a common goal. These experiences teach compromise, shared responsibility, and how to navigate group dynamics.
When children learn to work with others, even within their family, it builds resilience, cooperation, and the ability to adapt in social situations. This balance of independence and interdependence prepares them to handle relationships more effectively in life. Most importantly, I think it is really very porwerful to ackowledge their situation. Sometimes just the recognition of telling your kid, "Hey, I am sorry if I seem like much sometimes but it is because you are the only kid I have.... I will work on being more mindful of that if I am being too much." Many times we all just want to be seen!
Social Practice is limited, which may impact friend making and connection building
Now, for this particular finding, this is really observed more through my client experiences verse my own. As having the experience of cohabitating with a sibling, I had plenty of practice navigating a sibling relationship. What I will say is that because of this, I believe it has helped me make deeper connections with friends and other loved ones for this one simple reason, I learned resilience in a relationship. I will tell you why. When you have a sibling(s), you have a built in love for them. Liking is a whole different ball game. Still, when you have a sibling, you learn how to navigate fights (sometimes vicious and personal), supporting people through hard times and good times, learning how to be supportive and not jealous, etc. These dynamics are essential in any connection, whether personal, romantic or professional. This is one of the bigger advantages of having a sibling.
I have found that the clients I pick up based off of social support have been mostly from only children households. With these clients, I come to see the pattern of resilience and shared perspective is an issue in some form or another. Please know, this is not to say that there are not resilient and perspective sensitive only children (I mean, hello- I am one of them), I just mean that only children do not have as many natural opportunities to practice these issues that occur in all connections. I have found some of these clients have difficulty being resilient in friendships because once they see a side to a friend they do not like, they have a hard time deciphering the difference between a bad day for a friend or a bad connection for friendship. Learning that someone can love and like you, and you can still get into arguments and name calling sessions, is all apart of growing in connection.
Parent Tip: Utilize your extended family as much as you can! Despite being an only child now, I do not fully feel that way do to some connections with cousins and even friend or two, that gives me that sibling vibe. Cousins can be such a powerful tool. Encourage using this dynamic to help go over times when they may get into arguments or disagreements, but highlight how there can still be love and affection despite this. If it were not for me being one of 50 cousins, I do not know if my extroverted and engaging manner would have really come out naturally. I have always been more introspective and independent. Also, role play resilience in connection. Share experiences you have had with peers, loved ones and how you navigated them or realized the difference between a person who may be toxic for you or if they had reason to react the way they do in certain situations.
The Pro's of an Only Child Life
Now, I would give anything to have my sister back. Despite the pain of not having her, it has also offered me both tremendous perspective in how I live my life, as well as built some other strengths for myself, which do include resilience. Being an only child comes with unique advantages that can shape a person’s life in remarkable ways. Research shows that only children often excel academically, scoring higher on intelligence tests and achieving greater success in school due to the undivided attention and resources provided by their parents. This focus also fosters stronger parent-child relationships, with only children frequently enjoying a closer bond, free from sibling rivalry. They often develop advanced verbal skills from engaging in more adult interactions and tend to be confident in leadership roles, thanks to the responsibilities and expectations placed upon them from a young age.
Another powerful benefit of being an only child is the ability to focus on personal goals and explore individuality without the constant comparison or competition that comes with having siblings. On the flip side, I have worked with plenty of clients who have been the "not sporty", "not as bright", or "not as outgoing" sibling. The constant comparison from their sibling leads to a mix of anxiety, depression and jealousy. This solitude often sparks creativity and innovation, allowing only children to thrive in hobbies, problem-solving, and career pursuits. Financially, they benefit from parents' ability to invest more heavily in their education and extracurricular activities, paving the way for greater opportunities. While it’s easy to think of "only child" syndrome as a negative, the evidence suggests that many grow up with enhanced independence, resilience, and a unique capacity for self-reliance that sets them apart in adulthood.
Being an only child comes with its good and bad. However, connection is essential for anyone in life, whether your an only child or like my dad, who is one of 14. If you’re the parent of an only child and want to provide them with opportunities for growth and connection, let’s work together. As your professional older brother, I offer a unique blend of empathy and expertise to help your child thrive.
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