"Life, like bowling, at some point may require bumpers, so you do not wind up in the gutter". -Me, Justin Lyons (unless someone came up with this before, but this just came to mind).
Having boundaries with people is a concept I have not always fully embraced or understood really, until I hit a mid life crisis. Personally, a strength and a weakness of mine is my openness. In ways, I felt being "an open book" was a badge of honor. What I did not really understand is that not every person should be able to enter your library. Furthermore, who ever you do invite into your personal library, do they have access to every book?
As the traditional "nice guy", I had found it difficult always letting people I care about hear the words, "No!" from me, for any reason. I am the type of person that if you are (at the bare minimum) kind and show me respect, I will do whatever I can to make you feel the same way around me. Even if your a stranger, you will always get the benefit of the doubt. Unfortunately though, "being nice" had led me to many moments where I entertained conversations or ideas for way longer than needed. I made choices to be uncomfortable or resentful because I chose not to assert and voice myself and how I felt in situations or about people I care about. I even maintained unhealthy social connections when knowing it did not represent what or who I wanted to be, let alone waste my time associating with.
I have worked a ton on creating healthy boundaries for myself. Whether that be professional situations, family, friends and/or romantic pursuits. You name the interaction, I am determined to set the boundary when it pushes past my safety and overal health. It is not always perfect, but it has been such a game changer in my life. Getting past the discomfort of what it will look like to others. Making sure when my stomach tells me that this is a situation to practice setting boundaries, then I am going to listen more. Rip the bandaid off and just do it.
Creating healthy boundaries in relationships is essential for emotional well-being and mutual respect. Boundaries help you protect your energy, communicate your needs clearly, and build stronger, healthier connections. Here are a few simple strategies to establish and maintain boundaries that work for you.
A helpful hint going into setting boundaries, is that it does not always have to look life, "Stop! I am setting this boundary. You must comply or else!!!!". Sometimes boundaries look like, not replying to nasty comments. Making sure you do not go out of your way to be available. Not over apologizing (which was a huge one for me) for doing things I did not want to do in the first place. An older version of you will feel uncomfortable and uneasy doing it, but that is the version of you that you are trying to keep in the past anyway. Go for it.... Try keeping these 7 quick tips in mind :
1. Know Your Limits
Before you can set boundaries, you need to understand what are your limits? Take time to think about what makes you uncomfortable, stressed, or overwhelmed in relationships. Knowing your emotional, physical, and mental limits will help you communicate more effectively.
2. Communicate Clearly
Healthy boundaries require clear, direct communication. Be honest about what you need from the relationship and what behaviors are unacceptable. This prevents misunderstandings and helps others respect your boundaries.
3. Be Consistent
Once you establish boundaries, consistency is key. If you’ve communicated your needs but don’t enforce them, others may not take them seriously. Stick to your boundaries and remind others when necessary.
4. Say “No” Without Guilt
Learning to say "no" is a critical part of boundary-setting. Remember that it's okay to put your needs first. Saying “no” when necessary is not selfish—it’s a way to protect your energy and prioritize your well-being.
5. Respect Others’ Boundaries
I cannot stress this enough! Boundaries go both ways. Just as you want others to respect your limits, it’s important to honor theirs. This is something that I have learned throughout life is just as important. This mutual respect creates a balanced, healthy dynamic in any relationship. and helps support deeper connections.
6. Watch for Red Flags
Pay attention to how others respond to your boundaries. If someone consistently ignores or pushes past your limits, it may be a sign of an unhealthy relationship. Don’t hesitate to reassess the relationship if your boundaries are repeatedly disrespected.
7. Practice Self-Awareness
Self-awareness is a critical part of maintaining boundaries. Regularly check in with yourself to make sure your boundaries still feel right for you. Relationships evolve, and your boundaries may need to adapt over time.
Boundaries are crucial for knowing the different roles we have in life. For instance, a parent-child set of clients I am working with view their connection as "best friends." Knowing these two, I genuinely believe they feel that. I am not one to tell anyone how to interpret what they feel. However, in that moment when I would hear the parent tell their kid, "you are my best friend," I had flashed back to all the moments in time my dad used to tell me, "I am not your friend, I am your father." In those moments, I felt like the message seemed so cold. It felt like the ultimate sign of acceptance is having a best friend. As an adult though, I get the context to when he would make those statements. It was in times when I crossed a boundary as his son, in either the way I joked around with him or how respectful I was at any time.
To this day, I will always try to hang out with my dad and hope that my actions make him proud. He is like a best friend, but he is not because he is my dad. As an adult, and someone who has worked with hundreds of families, I see how that dynamic plays out when there aren't healthy boundaries set in those dynamics; it affects every other connection in life. So when my client called telling me, "my child is my best friend but I need a break it is too much! I need them to have their own social calendar because I just can't be it anymore!" This is when we work on setting boundaries.
What I really have learned from setting boundaries with people is that the ones who truly care or support you, they will respect them. It may not be right away, but they will make the attempt to get better at respecting them. Healthy boundaries are an essential part of any strong relationship. They help protect your emotional health, foster mutual respect, and allow both people to grow and thrive together. By practicing clear communication, consistency, and self-awareness, you can create the kind of boundaries that strengthen your relationships and maintain your well-being.
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