“You can’t calm the storm, so stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass.” – Timber Hawkeye
If there’s one thing every parent, teacher, or life coach knows, it’s that meltdowns happen. Whether it’s the toddler at the grocery store who didn’t get their way, or the tween overwhelmed by a mountain of homework, big emotions can take over, leaving both kids and adults feeling powerless. But here’s the thing: meltdowns aren’t the end of the world. They’re opportunities for growth—both for the child and the adults helping them navigate these moments.
Sometimes meltdowns happen because we do not have the words to express how we are feeling. Sometimes they happen because life is not fair. I often talk to clients about their "window of tolerance". Your window of tolerance is basically the window in your psyche where you can handle what life throws at you. When we start to get to the ledge of that window and jump off; meltdowns, bad decisions, and feeling out of control, usually ensue.
Over the years, I’ve worked with countless kids (and especially heir parents) who felt stuck in the chaos of their emotions. Teaching self-regulation doesn’t happen overnight—it’s like planting a garden. As for anyone of of you who have heard my professional or motivational lectures, you would know the saying I always like to tell people, "I can plant the seed today, but it takes you to water and care for it". When it comes to winning the battle of a more regulated child, you need patience, the right tools, and consistent effort. The results? A kid who learns to pause, breathe, and respond, rather than react. Here are some of my go-to techniques to help kids move from meltdowns to mindfulness.
1. Name It to Tame It
I really would like to credit Brene Brown for her ability to motivate and educate others on the power of naming emotions. There are way more emotions than I am happy, mad and sad. Emotions are powerful, but they lose some of their hold when you can name them. Teach your child to label what they’re feeling: anger, sadness, frustration, or anxiety.
Try saying: “Are you feeling frustrated because you can’t solve that math problem. Is that what is going on right now?”
Why it works: Giving emotions a name helps the brain process them. It’s like putting a lid on a boiling pot. When we jump out of our window of tolerance, we are not usually rational. We just want to get out that feeling of whatever it is inside that is making us feel like that. It is helpful to know the emotion, because grief can show many emotions, especially anger- but with proper context to what is going on, it may give us an opportunity to realize why we are feeling these feelings.
2. The Power of a Pause
I received a really powerful technique of working with frustrated and angry kids from my days as a camp counselor. The camp director at the time had a technique he would use with visibly angry or upset kids. When he would interact with such a kid, he would tell them something a long the lines of, "We can only really have a conversation when we are talking at the same volume", so every time the kid would raise their voice or seem frantic, he would have them stop and start again. The irritation (but basic cue to take a breath without saying take a breath) would eventually get kids to self regulate and be better able to communicate.
Meltdowns happen because kids act before they think. One of the best skills to teach is the art of pausing.
Tip: Create a "pause button" ritual. For example, take five deep breaths together whenever emotions start to run high.
Why it works: Pausing gives the brain a moment to switch from reactive mode to problem-solving mode. You never want to get in the habit of letting your higher brain highjack the rest of your body. Breathing brings you down to lower levels of the brain too, which all help with regulation and control of body functions.
3. Create a Calm Corner
I cannot tell you how much kids love this! Its a space that can help them regroup, not have to show their emotions until their ready to and its something they have ownership of. Speaking from a younger version of myself, who was (and still) fiercely independent... it really helped me have a space like this at times when I couldn't handle or understand my emotions. A space to retreat to (which back in my day was a bed tent canopy- still the coolest thing I ever had on my bed ) can help kids figure out their own strategies to get back to calm. Design a "calm corner" in your home or classroom where they can decompress.
Stock it with: A comfy chair, stress balls, coloring books, and calming visuals like a glitter jar.
Why it works: It gives kids a break without punishment. They can recharge and return when they feel ready.
4. Teach Mindful Breathing
One thing I will always find interesting, especially when I lecture professionals and other adult groups- I find it funny how many people actually do not know the proper way to breathe. Breathing we totally take for granted, but there is a ton of science behind the regulating powers of deep breathing, as well as the many different types of breathing patterns that can help for various situations. Mindful breathing is a game-changer. It’s simple, free, and incredibly effective.
Try this exercise: Ask your child to imagine blowing up a balloon. Inhale deeply through the nose, and exhale slowly through the mouth as if filling a big balloon.
Why it works: Controlled breathing sends signals to the brain to relax, reducing fight-or-flight responses.
5. Validate Their Feelings
Depending on the type of parent you are, this one may be a tough one to deal with. I have seen it too often (whether in my own life or in others interactions), someone will mention how they are feeling and someone else in the conversation will tell that person, that is not what they are feeling. Let me be 100% clear- it is the most ridiculous thing in the world to assume you know what a person is feeling in a moment. I would see this so many times in introductory conversations with parents and their kids, and there will always be at least one time I witness a parent who will contradict their child in front of me, when the kid expresses something feelings related. Life is all perception. Now, maybe in the moment a kid or person mislabels what the situation or feeling was, but when a person is in the moment- negating what they feel is the easiest way to help someone feel even more distressed. One of the quickest ways to escalate a meltdown is to dismiss a child’s emotions. Instead, validate what they’re feeling without judgment.
Example: “I see you’re upset because your friend didn’t play with you at recess. That sounds really hard.”
Why it works: Validation helps kids feel understood and supported, making it easier to work through emotions.
6. Practice Problem-Solving Together
Once emotions have cooled, involve your child in finding solutions. There is a lot of power in letting your child begin to feel like they have autonomy and be a part of the desicions that go into their life. Especially for middle school to high school aged children. A golden trick I always emphasize is, to let your child have choices, but provide them the options. For instance, I would always tell my clinical students- never say to a kid , "We can do whatever you like, what do you want to do?" Reason being is what if they want to do nothing? Then are you going to go back on your word of letting them do what they want? This concept helps with problem solving emotions. As they get older and have a better handle on strategies, than you can leave the comment more open ended.
Try this:
Ask: “What do you think we can do next time to handle this differently? You think we should take a deep breathe, tell someone how we are feeling or find a private place to get your feelings out?”
Why it works: Problem-solving builds confidence and teaches kids they can take control of difficult situations.
7. Model Mindfulness
Kids learn more from what we do more than what we say. As a kid, every time my dad would say, "Do as I say, not as I do." I instantly thought, well then why are you doing it?!?
If you want them to stay calm, show them how.
Tip: Narrate your process. “I’m feeling a little overwhelmed, so I’m going to take a few deep breaths before we talk.”
Why it works: It normalizes mindfulness and self-regulation as part of everyday life.
8. Use Movement as Medicine
I have no shame in my game. I will speak about the power of physical fitness till I am blue in the face. Physical activity is one of the best ways to release pent-up emotions, let alone all the other amazing benefits you get from taking care of your physical health.
Ideas: Dance parties, throwing a ball around, shooting hoops or kicking a soccer ball, stretching, yoga, or even a walk around the block. I used walking as a self regulator as a kid and continue to, as an adult. There is something so powerful in changing scenery. getting some air and having time with your thoughts after feeling out of control.
Why it works: Movement reduces stress hormones and improves mood, making it easier for kids to reset.
Helping a child go from meltdowns to mindfulness is a journey, not a sprint. On top of using all of the tips above, please know that it is important to celebrate progress over perfection. In the very beginning it is going to take time for your kid to get it right. You will see a result you want quicker, when you recognize the times your kid is trying.There will be setbacks, and that’s okay. What matters is that you’re giving your child the tools to understand, process, and manage their emotions. Remember, you’re not just teaching them how to handle tough moments now—you’re setting them up with skills they’ll use for a lifetime.
Your turn: What strategies have worked for you and your child when it comes to self-regulation? Share your thoughts in the comments below—I’d love to hear your stories and I am always looking to ad to the tool box!
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